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stupidfool
i went to my first class today. it was early and i was tired, but i was awake enough to hear that next week is sexuality week in our class. i think i like that. i also heard a discussion on straights acting gay (which i posted about in the lesbian community). i think i'm going to go ahead and copy that in here, so i won't have to go there to find it.
for whatever reason, some straights (or people who claim to be straight) sometimes act like they're gay. it's just a joke, and they don't really expect you to believe it. (example: where i used to work, there was a guy who would always do this. he would do something, like accidentally step on his male friend's foot, and then say, in a very effeminate voice, 'oh, i'm so sorry baby. you know i wouldn't hurt you on purpose, because you're soooo sexy.' while saying this, he would stand with one hand on his hip and the other hand would do that little stereotypical-gay-male flip thing...)
there were people in my class who thought this was completely wrong, and it reinforced all the negative stereotypes, and that people who act gay are just making fun of gays, whether they realize it or not.
other people claimed that those people should be the least of anybody's worries, because by doing that, they're just showing that they're comfortable with their sexuality, but not so homophobic that they're scared to be called gay, and that them acting gay is only as bad as the millions of closeted gays who are acting straight.
it was a little off-the-subject, and the teacher stopped the discussion, but i'm still thinking about it, and i can't quite form an opinion...

the response from the lesbian community (well, two people in the lesbian community) was that acting gay is not good. it's homophobic. it's making fun of gays.

i came back and at a more reasonable time, i went to my second class and noticed that there are these chalkings all over campus... they say 'why are you here?' (i think it was the christians. a few years ago, they did the same thing, sort of. all over campus, they wrote 'i agree with jared.' nobody knew what it meant for a while and then they published a thing in the school newspaper stating that jared is just a random religious guy, and 'i agree with jared'='i am a christian.' so i'm just waiting to figure out exactly how 'why are you here?'='be a christian.') everywhere you walk, the sidewalk is asking you why you're here. at a bus stop, somebody wrote 'because i'm waiting for the bus,' and outside the aviation building, somebody wrote 'because i like airplanes.' today, as i walked to class, there was a kid walking in front of me as we crossed the street onto campus. the second he saw one of those chalkings, he whipped a piece of chalk out of his backpack, bent down, and started answering. i kept walking. but i'm me, and i can't do anything without thinking too much. so even though i don't care to think about why i'm here, i think anyway. why am i here? because i'm going to class. why am i going to class? because it's easier to get good grades when you go to class. why do i want good grades? so i can graduate with a good gpa. why do i want to graduate with a good gpa? good question... why do i even want to graduate at all? i don't, really... so why am i here? there's no good reason. i'm wasting my time. i turned around and walked back home. the christians talked me into skipping class... on the way back, i read the kid's answer: 'to get stoned.' why are you here? to get stoned.
it's sad, sort of, but it's probably a lot more meaningful to him than anything i can come up with is to me, which is even sadder.

i went to work. molly was supposed to be a regular cashier, but she wanted to run self-check, and rhonda said she could, as long as i didn't mind. rhonda didn't know that molly didn't know how, and molly didn't tell her. so i had to sort of sneak around and help her a few times, and i had to take her through the closing process, but mostly, she's getting the hang of it.

rashid was there, and so was malik, and we played the 'malik is sexy' game. rashid said that jim was coming to pick me up tonight (he wasn't) and malik said he would fight jim for me. we played like that forever, and then malik went on break and rashid was talking to me about my new job, and asking if i had to work. i told him i did in the mornings because the lady was there, but at night, you didn't have to work if there was nothing to do because this super-nice guy was in charge, and he likes to stand around and talk to you. he asked more about the 'super-nice guy,' and i answered, 'well... he's nice... he's maybe 29 or something like that... he's gay-'
rashid cuts me off: 'oh, so that's why you like him!'
i laugh and ask 'huh? that doesn't even make sense!'
he says it does, because i'm bad. (bad meaning gay. in our little world, bad=homosexual. we don't say it so it's a negative thing, though. it's more like bad how the backstreet boys sing 'if you want it to be good, girl, get yourself a bad boy.' and willa ford, 'i wanna be bad,' only not quite like that becuase i bet she doesn't want to be gay.)
i just laugh and say 'man, even if i was bad, i wouldn't like him because he's not a girl, right?'
rashid says 'no, you would connect with him because he's bad and you're bad too.'
rhonda makes him go back to his register. it was a joke, initially, that i was a 'bad' girl. neither of us meant it... does he mean it now? do i mean for him to know that i mean it?

later, he tells malik that corey thought i was a lesbian. malik says i'm not. i ask him why corey thought that. he says it was a lot of stuff, and part of it was molly. i asked, 'well what about molly's boyfriend?' he said yeah, but he said other stuff too, like the way i walked. i asked how i walked. he says 'corey said you walked like a lesbian.'
reading all those lj lesbian things, and spending so much time in women's studies has me conditioned. the anti-label, anti-stereotype thoughts are automatic. the first response in my mind is a sarcastic, 'oh, and how exactly does a lesbian walk?' because i know damn well that there is no set way that lesbians have to walk. but before the words leave my mouth, i realize it's a dumb thing to say. he knows as well as i know that all lesbians don't walk the same. but at the same time, i know exactly what he means. when i was watching terrie for signs of lesbianism, her walk was the first (and only) thing i noticed in a month of watching. she didn't look like one and she didn't talk like one and she didn't act like one, but she walked like a lesbian. what's so wrong about saying that? it's definitely wrong to think that all lesbians fit the stereotype, but if you and the person that you're talking to both understand that you're only speaking in terms of stereotypes, it's a lot easier to say 'walk like a lesbian' than to say 'walk with a little bit of a swagger, sort of shifting your shoulders each step, and looking a little masculine while you do it.' it's just like me every time i write about nickolas, sitting here and trying to be politically correct while i describe the way nickolas is, with the feminine voice and the little hand flaps and blah blah blah. gay. he acts gay. he acts like a stereotypical gay male. not everybody who acts that way is gay, and not everybody who is gay acts that way. but if you understand that i understand that, do i have to keep writing it out, or can i just say 'nickolas acts gay'?
back on topic... i never knew i walked like a lesbian. i've always passed for straight... i can't ever watch myself walk. i don't feel like i'm walking like a lesbian, but i don't feel like i'm walking like a straight girl either. i just feel like i'm walking like me. i suppose that should be good enough, but i'd like to watch myself walk sometime, just so i can see what everybody else sees. i ask rashid, 'do i?'
he says he doesn't know. i ask him to walk like i walk, and he does some weird walk that makes malik and me laugh.
i go over to molly and ask her how i walk. she says, 'you walk with your kicking feet.'
we all laugh at that, and she protests, 'no, i'm serious, you sort of kick your feet out when you walk, instead of just stepping,' and she tries to demonstrate but she looks ridiculous. malik, rashid, and i get a good laugh out of that, and she just rolls her eyes and says fine, and goes back to self-check.
i try out some very feminine walks, more for rashid and maliks' amusement than anything else. we have fun and continue to joke about how malik is sexy and how i'm going to practice my girly walk so the next time corey sees me, he'll have no choice but to think that i am 200% straight.
i never lied. the entire night, we talked about me and my bad self, and i never once denied it. i never admitted it either, but i never denied it. we just joked around, and that's it.
i worry: does this tie in at all to the first subject in this entry? i didn't even see a connection at the time, but as i'm writing these together, i wonder if they're the same thing... if rashid and i had begun this discussion a year ago, it would have been over the second it started. flat-out denial, end of discussion. so i thought i was making progress, by not denying that i was gay. i thought i was more comfortable with my own sexuality, since i can joke around about being gay, especially in a situation like this, where the line between the jokes and the truth is getting pretty fuzzy. but am i really just making fun of gay people to cover up my own insecurities? am i, as a homosexual, being homophobic if i act gay but keep the mood light enough that it will probably be taken as a joke?

marie was there. i still want her. today she didn't feel like torturing me by touching me, so she tortured me by not touching me and just talking to me a lot. other days she tortures me by ignoring me. marie is impossible. when she's there, no matter what she does, it's torture for me. when she's not there, it's torture because i just want her to be there. marie exists and that is my problem.

taysha was there and she has one week and one day left. she said everybody, even jane and ann, has tried to talk her out of quitting, but she won't be talked out of it. she said on her last day, she's going to do everything she's always wanted to do, but couldn't because she didn't want to get in trouble. we brainstormed ideas and had a lot of fun. we came up with a ton of mean things that we want to do to stupid customers who do or say stupid things, or even just things that we don't feel like dealing with at the moment. working in a grocery store gives you a lot of pent-up agression, i think...

i was supposed to have to sit around for 45 minutes and wait on the bus. this was going to be ok because it meant i would be in the break room when marie came up to get her stuff to go home for the night, and as much as i hate it, i sure like to torture myself by seeing her. matt asked if i wanted to stay on the clock for that time and help the night crew, and i said i would. money is more important than marie, right? i hated my decision, though, when i went up there after clocking out, because i knew i had just missed her. i could smell her. marie smells good.

rashid and i caught the bus back, and everybody here is asleep. i need to be asleep too. i'm going to bed.

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"I'm Proud to be Straight Not Narrow"

It's the first straight-gay-friendly slogan I saw after I came out. It was on a t-shirt in the gay pride store. You have straight people who accept gay. You have straight people who hate gays. And then you have straight people who are closeted gays and they have their own little issues.

When a straight person who is closeted or hates gays is making fun of gays the issues and hatred and generalizations are blatant and very much a problem. But when you have a straight person who accepts it and they are just joking around what's the big deal?

A secure open minded straight man acting like a a Queen is fucking hilarious. Especially when he has the standard gay lips and wrist flips and pose going on. It shows humor and tolerance and to me it sends a message that some people on the other side of the fence understand that homosexuals are human too.

An insecure homophobic straight man acting like a Queen is sickening. It's not done in humor or with tolerance its done to mock and show intolerance and breed ignorance and hatred. And 9/10 you will not see it unless it is before an act of hatred or an act of mocking.

I disagree that it's just like the millions of closeted fags and dykes across America and the world acting straight because they are acting straight as a means of denial and life. The joking is usually just a momentary thing. And if it is so wrong I ask this, is it okay that I, being gay, immolate a Queen every now and then when I am joking around?

As for your lack of denial or "outting" I say only this, a lie is only a lie if the question is without question. Translation: If you are asked a direct question and you give an alternate answer then yes you have lied. If you are playing the hypotheticals and insinuation game then you cannot tell a lie because there has been no direct question asked. This is the reason that a lot of gay ppl play the pronoun game at work. They can always avoid the direct question and still tell the truth if they say "they" instead of he/she its also why a lot of ppl say "my partner" or "my spouse" or "my mate." You avoid the he/she of the situation and thus you are never met with a direct question and you never lie.

I believe in this with all of my heart. I have issue being gay, as we well know, but I will admit it if I am directly asked if not then I will playing pronoun games and let people assume what they will. Not because I care what they will think but because I just don't want to have to deal with what they are thinking.


in that case, i'm just going to hope that nobody directly asks me, because then i would have a lot of trouble finding a way to not lie...

Part II because LJ said I was too verbose

As for the "why are you here" chalkings. Hmmmm... "why are you here" is equivalent to "what's the meaning of life?" I was once told that nobody knew the answer to that question but God and I figured okay well that makes sense. Then if you think about it the best way to shrug off the fact that you do not know answer is to say that no answer has ever been given for you to know. I.E. "man" was clueless so "man" made up something that sounded divine and good, you know much like organized religion. My take on the whole "why are you here" slash "what's the meaning of life" question is basic... ONLY YOU KNOW THE ANSWER because ONLY YOU CAN CREATE THE ANSWER. I believe ultimately God, or whatever higher fucker is chilling watching this drama that is creation, put everybody here for a purpose BUT I also fully believe that only you can decide what the meaning of your life is.

I may have been put on this earth so that I could endure the shit I have so that I could develop a violent temper so that one day I could leave my house in an all consuming rage get in my car and hit a little girl. The little girl may have had no faith but because she started believing when her life was spared she became a pastor at a church. Her becoming a pastor at a church may be the catalyst for the building of a woman's shelter. That shelter may one day house a woman who had no where else to go and was about to resort to ending her life and the life of her daughter. Her daughter having survived may find strength and courage and grow up to be the doctor to discover the cure for S.I.D.S

But it would have all started with my life and my hitting that one girl. And in God's grand scheme of things that may be the only place that I fit. But it's up to me to decide if that was my only reason for being here and if that is what my life means. Life is kind of like a poem or a quote. There will always be several different meanings or interpretations because there will always be several different readers. The guy who answered "to get stoned" may be a poet or artist on just a random fuck up. But if the meaning of his life is to get stoned, no one has to right nor should they have the audacity to look at him and say the meaning of his life is something different. It is within each of us what we make of all of this because no matter what we will have served our ultimate purpose.

Okay yeah..and now I am going to drink until I pass out....


~Jay~

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