?

Log in

No account? Create an account
Previous Entry Share Next Entry
(no subject)
stupidfool
it's a sunday so i got there early. i was carrying around my nametag so i wouldn't forget to put it on, but i didn't want to wear it yet or people would think i was on the clock. i was heading up front, holding my name tag in the air, and i passed terrie. she said, 'good job,' or something strange like that, and it sounded a bit sarcastic. i had no idea what she was talking about. i asked, 'huh?' but she was already gone. then i realized that she probably thought i was showing her my name tag, like i wanted her to be proud of me for remembering it. no wonder she thinks i'm doing it on purpose... she probably thinks i want her attention when i forget it and i want her attention when i remember it...

then i wandered up to the service desk... anthony and marie were up there and anthony asked me something weird, so i didn't answer. i said, 'is this a trick question, like 'do you like candy'?' marie laughed and then they started talking about candy. anthony asked if i had any candy. i said no. he asked, 'none?' like i was crazy.
i said, 'well, i have regular candy, like a twix bar, but none of the kind you all are talking about.'
he made some smart comment about rolling with a twix bar and him and marie laughed. then he said 'but if that works for you, that's cool. gimme five,' and he held out his left hand. i slapped it with my right hand. he said, 'other hand.'
my other hand was holding a marker, a highlighter, and my name tag, so i told him, 'my other hand is busy.'
they laughed and anthony said, 'i'm going to say that all the time. my other hand is busy.'
marie said it's bad for a guy to say that. anthony laughed and asked me if i knew why, and then he had to go back to his register. marie and i took the marker and drew pictures on the back of my name tag, and practiced writing upside-down on scrap paper. about 5 minutes later, anthony came back and asked marie, 'did she figure it out yet?'
marie and i were both confused, but then she figured out what he was talking about and said, 'oh, we didn't try.'
they kept talking about me not understanding, and i had no idea what i they thought i didn't understand, so i didn't know whether i understood it and should argue. anthony had to go back to his register again, so i asked marie what i didn't figure out. she said, 'why a guy can't say his other hand is busy,' and then i remembered that entire conversation.
i told her, 'but i know why a guy can't say that.'
she asked, 'why?'
all of a sudden, i'm feeling confined by my 7-year-old. a real person could just say it. but i have to find some polite way to say it, and i can't think of a good way to put it... 'because... because his hand is doing other things...' i say slowly.
'like what?' she asks.
i can't say it. i don't talk about this stuff, especially not to her... 'like... like, you know! other stuff.'
she smiles at my 7-year-old and asks, 'do you know what a hand job is?'
fuck! does she really think i'm 7???? shit, i might never have had one, but i'm not that innocent! i get the urge to say something like i'm not sure... why don't you show me? instead, i say, 'yes... do you think i'm stupid?!?'
she laughs and says, 'well, you didn't know what a paper clip was...'
i tell her i knew what it was; i just forgot the word, and we don't go back to talking about hand jobs or candy or raves, which is probably good.
it gets worse every day. she thinks i am 7. i want her body and she thinks i don't even know how to want a body. and when i get the chance to show her that i'm not as 7 as she might think, i can't do it. what now????

i clocked in and terrie left, a half hour early. i think she hates me...

amber and i found a watch and it smelled. she said i could figure out who it belonged to, if i knew somebody who smelled. i told her, 'marie stinks.'
we both looked over at marie and she saw us, and asked, 'what?'
amber said, 'she said you stunk.'
i give marie a look of fake innocence, and say, 'i didn't say that!'
she tells me i can't lie. she really believes it, too. i think that if i was smarter, i could figure out a way to use this to benefit me. see, every time i attempt to lie to her, i'm not really trying. like this time, i knew she knew i said it, and i didn't want to convince her i didn't say it. i was just playing around, denying it for fun, just to talk to her a little more. but i was trying to act like i was lying, not trying to act like i was telling the truth, which is what you would do if you were actually trying to tell a lie... in reality, i can lie a little bit. if i really tried to lie, even if somebody else would see through it, she would think it was the truth, because she thinks i'm a terrible liar, and that if i'm lying, it will be completely obvious. i can't think of a way to use this to my advantage right now, but now that i've realized it, i'm going to keep it in mind.
it also strikes me that since she really believes it, she thinks that if she wants to know the truth about anything about me, all she has to do is ask. she thinks that even if i don't want her to know it, the truth will become obvious if i attempt to lie. what i'm trying to get at here is this: in her mind, if she wants to know if i'm a lesbian, all she has to do is ask because if she asks, i can only lie or tell the truth. if i tell the truth, she'll know, and if i try to lie, she will see through it because i 'can't lie.' so if she hasn't asked by now, does it mean she doesn't want to know? or is she so sure that she knows that she doesn't even think she needs to ask? or does she just not think that's a good thing to ask somebody, like i could never ask terrie if she was a lesbian?
but it's an interesting thing to think about, because what if she did ask? not just her, i guess. what if anybody asked? nobody has asked me that question in a long time... alana's boyfriend asked me that question when i first met him, about 2 years ago. i think that's the last time anybody's asked (besides christine, of course, and i told her the truth). 2 years ago, of course i was going to deny it. i wasn't close to being ready. now, i'm close. now, if he asked, i think i would tell him. but if corey asked, i would probably say i wasn't. if marie asked... i don't know. i would admit it? i practically have to, with her. with anybody else, if i denied it, it wouldn't necessarily make their suspiscions go away. but with marie, if i really attempted to lie, and i told her i wasn't a lesbian, she would believe it, since she thinks i can't lie. i don't mind her having suspicions and i don't mind her thinking i'm gay but not having it confirmed, and i don't hardly even mind her thinking i'm straight, but having no proof from me. but i want her and i can't have her 'knowing' i'm straight.

my head got into the dryer a few paragraphs ago. that's why not much makes sense any more. i don't remember. what about all the homework i still haven't done? i can't think. if i remember i should edit this tomrrow.